Recovery

All-or-Nothing Girl’s usual reaction to a binge is to stop eating until she feels she’s undone the damage.  Unfortunately, this usually leads to another binge and then restriction and binge and on and on …   I didn’t do that this time.  True, yesterday I could only manage smoothies but I had them at my normal meal times so didn’t interrupt my routine.  I’m feeling quite proud about this.  Today I’m ready to eat normally again.

August’s Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    Didn’t actually go out at all yesterday.  It was wet and cold and I didn’t really need to.
  2. Choose decaff.
    Remaining caffeine free.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    By dinner time I had this going again.
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Sleep!

Med Change

I slept eight hours last night without the aid of pills.  That’s the first time I’ve managed it since the med change.  My dose of aripiprazole was increased this morning so I’m hoping that doesn’t knock me back down again.

August’s Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    Yes, I walked up to the next bus stop on the way back from the plot.  I was also persuaded to amble around the shopping mall while waiting for a prescription but whether this was my choice or not is debatable!
  2. Choose decaff.
    Back to no caffeine and feeling better for it.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    Didn’t manage to do this yesterday.  Sometimes it takes a wee while to get back to normal after a lapse.

Lapse Management

Yesterday, what I ate was anything but clean.  Or moderate.  I can’t even claim it as a treat.  It wasn’t a binge – I felt no compulsion, it was just my choice to go to bed, watch TV and eat my ‘favourite’ foods.  Then I went to sleep.  It’s an old habit, an old pattern, and it’s going to take time to replace it with better ones.  And it’d help if I wasn’t feeling like hell most of the time just now.  On the way to the shop I did try to thing ‘What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?’ but I couldn’t really come up with anything besides ‘caramel shortcake’ and then the shop didn’t have any.  But such is life.

Naturally, today I’m not feeling very well in the digestive area.  As it’s self-inflicted, please don’t give me sympathy – it would be undeserved.  I shall simply take the consequences of my actions – including the big zit on my lip.  Ick!

The important thing now is to get back on track.  Breakfast was the last of the chocolate so I’m going to have a protein smoothie when I’m finished writing.  I feel like my tail’s dragging in the dirt, I have so little energy, and going back to sleep would be easy but I’ve had 12 hours all-in and more will just make me feel more depressed.  My best bet is to get my butt in gear and get moving.  I’ll be in the garden this morning and then I have to sort out a prescription for the increase in aripiprazole this afternoon.  My goal is to stay awake until … 3pm?  That’s an hour later than yesterday.  But I know it should really be until after dinner it’s just that seems such a big ask at the moment.  I’ll see how I go.

August Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    The only time I left the house was to buy chocolate and this does not count.
  2. Choose decaff.
    Chocolate = caffeine.  But at least I avoided the Pepsi Max.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    I did for breakfast and lunch.  By dinner time I was deep in caramel popcorn.

Cancellation

Med Change

I’m still finding this really, really hard and tonight I can’t sleep which isn’t going to help my day go with much more than a fizzle.  I was meant to be seeing my psychiatrist (Dr S) today but she’s had to cancel her clinics for the next couple of weeks due to ‘family emergency’ which is fair enough but a bit bloody for me.  The good news is that CPN D has spoken to one of the other Consultants (Dr H) who has agreed that all is not well and that my aripiprazole should be increased to 15mg from Thursday.  Here’s hoping things improve …

August Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    Yes and no.  I did walk to the next bus stop on the way back from the lottie but wimped out of walking to the greengrocer and got my mum to take my to the supermarket instead.  In fairness, I did need something from there but I could still have gone to the greengrocer for my fruit.
  2. Choose decaff.
    Still caff-free and feeling proud of myself.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    Yes.  This is becoming part of my routine.

Progress

A 1lb gain this week which isn’t too bad, considering.  I’m still feeling awful, my sleep’s still messed up and I’m spending too much time in bed feeling sorry for myself.  Comforting eating (albeit clean) has been very much on the agenda and, really, you can’t eat this much cheese and not expect to gain some weight.  If I gain again next week then I’ll bow to the King of Calories and count for a bit, just till I get back on track.

August Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    I didn’t leave the house yesterday (bad move, I know) so no walking at all.
  2. Choose decaff.
    No caffeine has passed my lips and I’m starting to feel less like a zombie.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    Yes.

Still clean

August’s Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    Yes.  I walked on to the next bus stop on my way back from the plot and got off early in order to go to the greengrocer.
  2. Choose decaff.
    No caffeine has passed my lips.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    Back on track with this one although I’ve slipped this morning – was trying to get back to sleep but hungry so I had a bowl of porridge.  Still couldn’t sleep so got up and called the porridge breakfast but no lemon juice was involved.

Continuation

The Healthy Life

I finished reading yesterday.  Now all I have to do is enjoy all the lovely recipes and keep making the changes that I’ve chosen to take on board.  Thank you very much, Jessica Sepel!  My next health read is Sweet Poison by David Gillespie.

Weight Management Class

I wimped out yesterday and went to my garden instead of the NHS class.  I don’t think it was wrong and I’m not feeling guilty.  Those hours in the garden where a whole lot more healing than forcing myself into a situation I was dreading.  Sometimes you have to accept  your limitations and the reality is that I’m not very well right now.  I’ll try again next month.  If I miss two classes I’ll be discharged and, to be honest, this wouldn’t break my heart.

August’s Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    Yes and no.  I did walk up to the next bus stop on my way home from the plot but chose the (closer) Co-op to buy toothpaste before I went home.
  2. Choose decaff.
    Yesterday I gave away all me caffeinated tea and coffee.  I am officially caff-free.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    The Sainsbury’s man brought me lemon juice so I’m back on track with that one.

Shopping Local

The Healthy Life

Now I’ve completed Jessica’s Ten Principles for a Healthier Life, I’m moving on to Nutrition 101.  I’ve really been looking forward to this bit.  Clean eating is totally new to me.  I used to think I knew how to cook but I’m thinking and learning again.  So, once again, I’ll take what I want from Jessica and leave the rest.

As mentioned elsewhere, Jessica’s a big advocate of organic food.  I can’t afford organic at the moment but I would like to shop locally.  While I’ve been ill with the med change, it’s been great just to order my groceries from a major supermarket and have them delivered once a week.  I’m hoping I’ll be well enough to drive in a couple of weeks so I’ll be able to do my own shopping.  We have a good butcher and greengrocer within walking distance and I’d really like to go back to using them.  So I’ll buy what I can locally and then make a quick trip in the car to get the rest.  Carrying bags of shopping home a couple of times a week can only be good for my fitness!

Med Change

Changing the time of the medication made no difference so I won’t be doing that again.  I did see my CPN who says I’m having a ‘hard transition’ probably because I’d been on olanzipine for so long and my brain is now thoroughly out of whack.  She’s increasing my diazepam and extending that treatment for another fortnight – which means it’ll be at least another two weeks before I can drive which is a pain in the rear.  I’m seeing my Psychiatrist on Wednesday and CPN D says she’ll probably increase the dose of aripiprazole then – the standard maintenance dose is 15mg and I’m only on 10mg and getting sicker instead of better so it makes sense.  Mostly, I just want this to be over (but not in a suicidal way).

August’s Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    Yes!  I did three times yesterday and apart from my new boots crippling me, it felt really good.
  2. Choose decaff.
    Not a drop of caffeine passed my lips.  This will be a whole lot easier when I’m not looking for something to counteract the sleepiness of the diazepam and zopiclone.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    No.  Still haven’t made it to a shop selling lemon juice and I’m really missing it.  But the Sainsbury’s man is coming tonight so I’ll be back on track tomorrow.

Weight Loss Part 2

The Healthy Life

Now you’ve heard a bit about my story, I’m going to move on to Jessica’s suggestions for successful weight loss.  I’ve already implemented a lot of it (maybe that’s why I’m losing weight, eh?) so I’ll focus on the new bits.

Am I addicted to artificial sweeteners?  Well, I’ve cut back a lot since starting clean eating.  I’m no longer adding them to food and I’m making every other hot drink a herbal tea which immediately halves my intake.  Step 2 is to switch most of my non-herbal drinks to tea as I take one less sweetener in that than coffee.  I’m aiming to cut down to three decaff coffees a day – one after each main meal.  Progress not perfection.

Treat night for me is Friday.  It used to involve processed pizza and a big tub of ice cream.  These days I’ve found an excellent recipe for a cauliflower-based pizza from Clean Eating Alice and skip the ice cream altogether.  It’s delicious and a true treat which doesn’t leave me feeling ill.

I’m a little concerned that I’m not eating enough vegetables so I’m going to start filling half my plate with them.  This is a diet club trick but it does work for me if I can skip the creamy, dreamy dressings.  And, really, my food’s so yummy now that I shouldn’t need them.

Med Change

I do not want another day like yesterday.  I’m convinced that the aripiprazole is causing my morning anxiety and then the diazepam I take to deal with that wipes me out for the rest of the day.  I’ve read the aripiprazole leaflet and you can take it at any time of day so I’m going to start taking it at bedtime.  I’m seeing my CPN early this morning so, if she objects, I can still take my morning dose.  But my theory is that I’ll take it at bedtime and, if I feel anxious. I’ll snuggle down in bed and sleep which is really my default mode for dealing with mental distress.  And, if I do need a diazepam, I’ll have slept it off by morning and can then go about my business.

August’s Daily Goals

  1. Choose to walk.
    I didn’t leave the house yesterday.  Yes, partly I was waiting for a delivery, but partly I just felt too awful to want to go anywhere.
  2. Choose decaff.
    Temptation arose but I remained caff-free.
  3. Drink lemon juice before main mails.
    No.  Still haven’t been out to buy lemon juice.  This should be rectified today.